Think of the last conversation you had with someone you didn’t know. Did certain moments feel awkward? Did you find the other person interesting? Did the other person find you interesting? Were you glad you had the conversation?
How small talk makes you smarter and happier
But the data would suggest that even if conversations feel awkward, they’re probably going better than you think. Also, maybe we can get a lot better at connecting with people we don’t know, be it a new coworker, a friend of a friend, or the grocery store cashier. Talking to new people is hard because there are so many unknowns.
Talking to someone you don’t know is uncharted territory. Compared with talking to your partner, your best friend, or your mom, the unknowns make it challenging and potentially intimidating.
Actually good conversations take time and attention. Here’s how to have better ones.
Having good conversations — whether with strangers or with your closest friends — is an art. It requires humility and attention — something that’s in high demand these days.
Here are biggest pieces of advice:
Be present
People think that “being present” means not looking at your email or texting during the conversation. It also means giving people your entire attention and not thinking about what you’re up to later that day. Really focus.
Go with the flow of the conversation
It’s easy to stop listening when you’re planning what you’re going to say next. Think of listening like a river. We dam it up all the time when we stop listening in order to think about what it is that we’re going to say next. As soon as those thoughts come into your brain, you need to let them go out of your brain and then return back to the conversation.
Don’t pontificate!
Stop lecturing. It might make you feel good, but it only makes you feel good for a very short span of time. And it definitely doesn’t make the other person feel good.
Ask open-ended questions
Yes or no questions don’t lead the conversation very far. For example, rather than asking, “Are you sitting down?” You might try, “What kind of chair do you like to sit in?”
Stay out of the weeds
If you’re getting into too many details, it can be easy to lose focus on the big picture. Nobody cares about the exact date something happened or the last name of your great uncle’s cousin.
If you don’t know something, just say that Very few people are willing to admit this, but it’s OK not to know something.
Try not to repeat yourself. And be brief People repeat themselves oftentimes because they think they’re drilling information into somebody’s head, but that’s not really how conversations work. Studies show that our attention spans are short and getting shorter.
Lastly, listen
The other steps are also about listening. But this deserves its own point. Listening is hard. It requires energy and focus. It’s also essential — if you’re not listening, then you’re not really having a conversation.
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